Gay relationships offer insights for healthier heterosexual marriages
The stereotype for same-sex relationships is that they do not last. But that may be due, in large part, to the lack of legal and social recognition given to same-sex couples. Studies of dissolution rates vary widely.
After Vermont legalized same-sex civil unions in 2000, researchers surveyed nearly 1,000 couples, including same-sex couples and their heterosexual married siblings. The focus was on how the relationships were affected by common causes of marital strife like housework, sex and money.
Notably, same-sex relationships, whether between men or women, were far more egalitarian than heterosexual ones. In heterosexual couples, women did far more of the housework; men were more likely to have the financial responsibility; and men were more likely to initiate sex, while women were more likely to refuse it or to start a conversation about problems in the relationship. With same-sex couples, of course, none of these dichotomies were possible, and the partners tended to share the burdens far more equally.
While the gay and lesbian couples had about the same rate of conflict as the heterosexual ones, they appeared to have more relationship satisfaction, suggesting that the inequality of opposite-sex relationships can take a toll. [...]
Other studies show that what couples argue about is far less important than how they argue. The egalitarian nature of same-sex relationships appears to spill over into how those couples resolve conflict.
One well-known study used mathematical modeling to decipher the interactions between committed gay couples. The results, published in two 2003 articles in The Journal of Homosexuality, showed that when same-sex couples argued, they tended to fight more fairly than heterosexual couples, making fewer verbal attacks and more of an effort to defuse the confrontation.
Controlling and hostile emotional tactics, like belligerence and domineering, were less common among gay couples.
The Gottman Institute is likely to be responsible for a good bit of the work cited above. Their findings are here.
RELATED: This American Life had a terrific 2005 episode on The Sanctity of Marriage.
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This is an excellent post by Joe Windish. Perhaps there will be more interest in this subject with the Calif. prop in November.
However, I would be inclined to be sceptical of these findings.
Altho I am a conservative, I am a supporter of gay marriage (having been a witness at one) and have many gay friends. Based on my own experience, there is very little difference in the issues and arguments of gay couples vs. straight couples. Indeed, I find there are extraordinary levels of similarities.
I suspect that this is a case of the well-known academic phenomenon of erroneous results in a “hot” area. Ironically, many meta-studies of academic publications have noted this, as academics more often than not tend to find the results they seek. Here is an interesting study of this phenomenon:
http://medicine.plosjournals.org/perlserv/?requ…
The NYT interest in this issue is understandable, of course, as it fits their agenda. But consider this revealing line from the piece:
“When they got into these really negative interactions, gay and lesbian couples were able to do things like use humor and affection that enabled them to step back from the ledge and continue to talk about the problem instead of just exploding,” said Robert W. Levenson, a professor of psychology at the University of California, Berkeley.
So…gays and lesbians use “humor and affection” to help their relationships…which, as EVERYONE at Berkeley knows, are exclusively gay traits! In contrast, straight couples just explode.
Bias anyone?
I should add, of course, that there are undeniable differences in gender.
I have never, for example, encountered a woman – straight or lesbian – who appreciated the humor of the Three Stooges! This seems to be an oddly gendered response, with males tending to enjoy the Stooges regardless of orientation. Of course, my sample size is admittedly limited.
Personally, I would be fascinated to read an academic study on the appeal of the Stooges! (Hmmm…I wonder how they would control for the variable of Shemp vs. Curly Howard?)
I rather doubt Berkeley would approve of a grant for such a study…but then maybe they would. Berkeley is . . . well, Berkeley. Nyuk, nyuk, nyuk, nyuk…
I think this study makes sense. Looking at just heterosexual couples, it seems that those who do not adhere strictly to gendered roles (women cook and clean, men earn the money) in favor of having equal stakes in both financial and home-based work seem to fare much better. It makes sense that as same-sex couples don't necessarily have these tasks clearly devided by gender that they might reap those same benefits. It could also point to the possibility that cutting out antiquated notions of the division of labor from traditional marriages could lead to more happiness.
No one study can do it all, but this is a very valuable beginning.
Not having a bias against academics (what's the alternaive, guessing?) or the NYT, I'd say it lays the groundwork for more in-depth studies to come.
The coincidence of egalitarianism in task related roles and being better at how argumnts are conducted and resolved is not necessarily a cause-and-effect relationship, although it coulld be. There need to be studies with more controls than just hetero vs gay before solid conclusions can be drawn.
Meanwhile, the importance of how arguments are argued has been recognized for some time. Some marriage counselors have made a specially of it., and they could pick up pointers from same-sex couples.
I thought of an interesting comparison and contrast. In Mormonism, gender roles are very strictly different and very unequal. Yet, the women, seem disinclined to complain
I wonder how much depends on expectations in regard to what is fair and right.
Is it egalitarianism that' is a determinant or is it acceptance of one's role, no matter what it is?
That's something for the next study.