The current political climate, with growing voter dissatisfaction and the Republican brand being termed “significantly damaged,” has many Democrats smiling like cats in the vicinity of empty canary cages. In fact, many observers seem to already be of the opinion that Barack Obama could take off on a long, well deserved vacation following the Democratic National Convention and return to Washington just in time for his inaugural ceremony. It is, however, my sad duty to remind readers of today’s column that this is the Democratic Party we’re talking about here – the same crew which managed to find a way for John Kerry to lose the 2004 election under nearly similar, favorable conditions.
The Democrats have shown nothing if not a marked propensity and dogged determination to snatch defeat from the jaws of victory at every opportunity. Allow me, if you will, to paint a scenario for the 2008 elections which takes place in a parallel but not too distant dimension.
Following a series of long awaited signs and portents, Jesus Christ Himself returns to Earth. After issuing a few new commandments and performing a couple of miracles, the Democrats immediately draft Him as their candidate for the White House. Karl Rove, and an unexpectedly bold move, convinces George W. Bush to issue a full pardon for Charles Manson. Upon his release from prison, Rove talks the Republican leadership into drafting Manson as their candidate.
Shortly before the two parties’ respective conventions, Jesus raises Mother Teresa from the dead and selects her as His running mate. He also bestows the Blessing of Eternal Life upon her, thereby removing the “age factor” from the debate. Manson offers the VP slot to Mitt Romney who, after a few days consideration declines. Charles settles on convicted polygamous sect leader Warren Jeffs who particpates in the single Vice Presidential debate by live simulcast from his jail cell. During this appearance, in response to a question on America’s economic policy regarding China, Jeffs claims that he doesn’t really know much about economics or foreign policy, but thinks that Mother Teresa is “pretty hot for an old broad” and asks her if she would like to get married. The sainted Vice Presidential candidate politely declines.
With one month to go, the polls have swung to an unprecidented, lopsided blowout. Jesus leads by a margin of 95.5% to Manson’s 0.5%. Then, with no advance warning, the Philadelphia Inquirer releases security camera footage of the Pope picking up one of Eliot Spitzer’s hookers in a limo. Jesus fails to distance Himself from the Pope’s endorsement quickly enough and, on November 5, Manson narrowly loses the popular vote but squeaks out a 272 point electoral college victory. He quickly proclaims a mandate from the people and tells voters that he has now earned “poltiical capital” which he plans to spend.
Upon being sworn into office, President Manson’s first act is to sign an executive order stating that, henceforth, any murders committed by Manson or a specific list of his friends will be legal. The Democrats, enraged by this outrageous abuse of executive power, immediately move to impeach him. Unfortunately, an intra-party squabble breaks out over whether the special prosecutor should be a woman, an African-American or an Hispanic person of diminutive stature and the motion never makes it out of committee. In 2012 Manson easily sails to a second term victory, declaring that “the war on annoying rich people” is still in full swing and it would be unwise – nay, reckless – to change horses in mid-stream.
An unlikely scenario to be sure. But believe me… if Manson can defeat The Savior, you can bet that McCain’s team is already cooking up a plan that will send Senator Obama back to his Illinois Senate seat in November. And if I’m wrong, you can sign me up to do a write-in vote for Jesus next time around.
(Author’s note: Before the hate mail begins to arrive, this column carries the “Satire” tag for a reason. Happy Memorial day, everyone!)