Something Wicked This Way Comes

Attention, Men! And let’s be clear here… I mean the “real men” out there. Not you wimpy, over educated, latte and wine cooler sipping Obama voters. I’m talking to the manly men who are far more likely to support Clinton or McCain. (TMV’s female readers are politely invited to stop reading right now and go do some online shopping at Victoria’s Secret.) There is a dark, spreading evil on the horizon. Currently it’s over in Europe, but it will be touching down on our shores in the next few weeks and you need to be prepared. The Chicago Tribune’s John Kass explains the imminent downfall of civilization.

I can still hear the terrified cries of men from across the sea, from England, men scared stiff by the new “Sex and the City” movie premiere, and such cries are cries of warning to men in America, where this evil film will debut in a few weeks.

One of the first shrieks of woe came from a regular guy named Phil. His warning was posted in the Times Online, as a comment on the review of the film that premiered the other day in London.

“I don’t think SATC is just for girls. I am a reasonably well-adjusted bloke and I am looking forward to seeing the film with my girlfriend. I am then looking forward to poking my eyes out with red-hot pokers, burning my skin off, and rolling around in salt for a while.”—Phil Mann, Newcastle upon Tyne.

I understand how confusing this issue is for some women. As Kass points out in his column, many girlfriends and wives simply don’t get how men run in terror at the mention of this particular entertainment phenomenon. Look… it’s not the women themselves. We like them too! (Particularly when they show up with less than restaraunt minimum amounts of attire.) It’s not even the endless whining and bashing of all things male. (Well, ok.. it’s might be partly that, but certainly not the major factor.) No, my friends… in the end it’s all about the shoes.

Women Just Don’t Get It. Because when it comes to “Sex and the City,” women don’t care about our needs, our desires, our deepest hidden longings—and our phobias about $700 pairs of Manolo Blahnik shoes. I’ve never seen such shoes. But if I saw the bill, I’d begin to cry.

We, as males, just seem to be genetically incapable of feeling sorry for a woman who bitches and moans, week after week, about how awful men are – how we simply aren’t developed enough to understand exactly how wonderful she is – and then goes out to console herself by purchasing yet another pair of shoes that cost more than many people’s mortgage payment. Then, having run herself into debt, she is forced to take a side job to make up the money. What sort of employment does she seek out? Giving lectures to single women on the best way to meet even more men who will treat them like crap and leave them. What’s not to love?

Yes, it seems that SATC has been made into a movie. (Who knew about this in advance and why in the name of All That Is Holy did they do nothing to stop this?) The movie will be touching down in America very soon. And for many of you, the women in your lives are going to immediately put pressure on you to go see it.

But today we are here to offer you salvation. A sort of SATC Get Out Of Jail Free Card, if you will. By going to this link at the tribune, you will be able to download and print out a Get Out of Sex and the City Card. Just print it, sign it, keep it in your wallet, and when your girlfriend raises the subject, whip it out and show it to her. At that point, you are legally free of any obligation to go and she’ll just have to go find some of her girlfriends to see it with her.

You may now being the march to my house with pitchforks, torches and gasoline. Sadly, you won’t find me at home. I’ll be out watching Iron Man.