There are many family responses to the murders of their loved ones by fire, by falling from great heights, by being blown to pieces. We might call it 9-11 and grieve for both the living and the dead. But/and, they see it as a slaughter of persons they beheld as up-close and personally beloved– with a river of memories of the loved one still roaring in full energy, or quietly streaming by now. Not absent. Present in more ways than one, for many survivor families.
The images and smells and sounds of what occurred, HOW they occurred and the utter sudden world of no-sense, horror upon horror, not just in one day, but day upon day, no-compassion, even personal attack on survivor families by those who want to be in the slimelight, and more, is what the families remember and try not to remember so that they can continue to function. Editor in Chief of The Moderate Voice, Joe Gandelman has written about the latest push/pull, re a gift shop at the 9-11 memorial site, here.
For the survivor families of 9=-11, there is no returning to life as it once was. This event is the measure for life. All of one’s life is measured as ‘before’ their loved one was killed by murderers, and ‘after’ their loved one was killed by murdering soulless creatures.
The grief from a loved one murdered is different in intensity, duration, including being affronted, and it is different in variables of sustained longevity– than grief over a loved one who lived a long life, even if there is suffering.
Both circumstances of which are different in grief patterns also than losing a young soul suddenly to tragedy.
We’re far more accustomed to the kind of grieving that goes with persons who become old, or ill, but who have lived appreciably long… and whose death or relief from suffering is anticipated even though often not with joy, rather with sad-good memories of what once was.
Survivor families of a murdered person they cherished, depended on, delighted in, even if the relationship was rocky… have a different trajectory afterward. Those in severe post-trauma cannot be compared to those who grieve a loved one who died more or less ‘naturally’ in old age, and the death more or less, ‘expected.’
I think part of the issue may be that 9-11, twin towers, murder of near 3000 souls is our horror, our tragedy as a nation, that we continue to mourn in our own ways, to each his and her own.
But the individual tragedies of murders of family members known, daily known, and the empty chair that will endure for life, brings another set of life responses altogether. It’s easy to forget for some, the survivor families were torn apart and killed that day also.
It takes a long long time to come back from the land of the dead. And most are keenly alert to insult and desecration as a result.
And, I would like to make sure and to know not just today but in all future days, where the money goes from sales of ‘things’ meant to ‘remember’ the horror-tragedy of 9-11 [from the gift shop erre]. There are many ways to remember, it seems. And if the site of the murders of thousands is designated a cemetery [remembering the plane that went down in Pennsylvania, the many deaths at the Pentagon which was also airplane bombed, and remembering that there are over 160 survivor families in California whose loved ones were on the hijacked planes– all for whom there is no enormous monument in situ in nyc per se, nor in the air], that I think, a site as designated ‘holy cemetery of the martyrs’ may be on the right track.
And yet even if a gift shop, or not, there will be those who laugh at the unlaughable. For instance, Auschwitz –a huge site of slaughter, is a graveyard museum of buildings, lands, railroad tracks, gas chambers, ovens, smoke stacks, death walls where innocents were shot, displays of huge piles of hair shorn from living beings many of them the white and grey braids from old women and tribal men, piles of eyeglasses, to the ceiling shoes of ladies and boots of farmers, piles of suitcases and cloth bags and pitiful tiny valises belonging to children. Enough to make the heart want to sink into the ground and never stop weeping. And yet, when I was there, a father was posing his young son to take a photo of him on the barbwire fence as though the son was being electrocuted.
THere will be abject disrespect by some, no matter what, for some persons bring a twisted heart with them wherever they go. Sometimes what is needed is protest and strong pushback then to such outrages and demeanings. Sometimes just some education about how to walk gently in a graveyard.[There will need to be signs, likely, at most any public commemorating of slaughter, so those who do not know, can know what is considered righteous conduct]. Sometime, there are some few who hold their falsely claiming ‘right’ to disrespect and vandalism, also, as the highest value in their black hearts. We hope always for those striving to keep consistantly good hearts.
All the more to the good that we can strive to carry light and some kind of ongoing gentle tolerance in situations like these at Ground Zero, even if we cannot fully understand. There have been many claims and upsets with regard to this monument, who may and may not access it, build near it, and more push-pulls about ownership of the actual property, speculations about whether that owner acted properly in subsequent days or had only money on the mind, which authority had authority. It has gone on. And on.
Because it is a public monument, the 9-11 ground will become a ‘tourist’ destination. But the hearts of whomever comes is what matters most, their reverence, learnings, blessings on whatever needs blessing, for what happened here. Perhaps not buying ‘things, but Blessing the ground with tears is what many will leave behind.
Tokens bought at the site may fit for some but not for others. Where the money from the sales goes will be important to know. We shall see in coming days and years how matters at this hugely tragic and horrendous event that this site now marks, shift and change. They will indeed…
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Dr. CP Estés is a psychoanalyst and post trauma recovery specialist, serving at Columbine High School and community for three years after the massacre. She continues to work with 9-11 survivor families on both coasts, and is known internationally for her post-trauma recovery protocol used to deputize citizens quickly to help in the aftermath of disasters. Her books are published in 35 languages.