Guest Voice: Global Starving
Is the battle against global warming having a consquence? San Francisco newspaper columnist Allan Goldstein thinks it does and explains why in this Guest Voice post. Guest Voice posts do not necessarily reprsent the opinion of TMV or its writers.
GLOBAL STARVING
by Allan Goldstein
I’ve really tried to avoid writing about global warming. First of all, I have absolutely no credentials—I took a couple meteorology courses in college and the FAA made me pass a weather test before they gave me a pilots license, but that don’t amount to boobs on a bull and I know it. Second of all, I have doubts—not that it’s gotten warmer, that seems pretty clear—but about the idea that we can predict what the weather will be for the whole damned planet in 2050. Tell me if my 4th of July barbecue is going to be rained out this year, then we’ll talk.
But you can’t be a global warming doubter anymore, that ship has sailed. Now, if you don’t bow down at the altar of Carbon Doom you are a global warming denier.
Denier. That’s not a description, that’s a curse. “Denier” is a six-letter four-letter word. Even the intelligent design morons don’t get stuck with tag; nobody calls them Darwin deniers, though maybe we should.
The only other pile of human refuse that gets that label are the Holocaust deniers. And every time I meet one of those pukes I smack him upside the head and ask him if he knows where the hell my relatives are who didn’t make it out of the Old Country before Kristallnacht.
No way I’ll let myself be a denier, nope. Not me.
So I’ll say I believe in Global Warming and get right with Al Gore the way a presidential candidate has to get right with Jesus, so I can move on to a small, secondary point.
The results from our first, tentative attempts to tackle climate change are in and we are making progress. The third world is slowly starving to death.
We are taking their lunch and burning it. The third world is being priced out of the food market. Our crops are much more valuable—to us, and our wounded planet—as ethanol.
Here’s the way it works. If you burn oil, which is old plants, you put new carbon into the air. But if you burn corn, which is new plants, you break even. Corn gets its carbon from the air, ethanol is carbon neutral, everybody wins.
Unless you happen to be partial to eating corn. It may escape us, here in the grease-and-blubber West, but corn is food. Lots of people eat it, lots of those eat mostly it, and it’s starting to get real expensive.
Let me address myself to those poor unfortunates who are suffering hunger pangs, all across our overheated globe:
You call it maize—we call it gas. Gas is worth a lot more and we have more money than you. Damn shame about the price of tortillas in Mexico, too bad about the food riots in Haiti, sorry about Africa (like anyone gives a crap about Africa) but the Audi’s tank is empty and Exxon wants four dollars per. Hand over those frijoles Pako, The White Man needs ‘em to Save the Earth.
I don’t want to be hard-hearted, I know this is rough on you brown peoples of the world, but it’s getting awful damned hot and my lawn looks like hell.
You guys breed to much. The ultimate cause of global warming is people. People use all that carbon and the fastest way to cut down the carbon is to cut down the population.
We here in the ecologically enlightened West know what’s best for the globe. We can’t keep burning fossil fuels and dumping CO² into the atmosphere until no polar bear is safe; that would be unconscionable. If we have to burn your corn for fuel, if we have to stop growing wheat to grow yet more corn to burn, if you have to starve to death to save the planet, then so be it. We have no choice—and neither do you.
Of course, starvation is slow and horrible; we feel your pain. Perhaps you should consider letting us press you for oil while you still weigh enough to give a good yield. That would be more compassionate, I think. Once global warming hits, you’re all going to drown anyway. Think how much good you can do for the earth by letting us render your aching bodies, right now.
You will have the world’s eternal gratitude. The first world, that is.
Allan Goldstein is a columnist for a San Francisco newspaper. His other work includes fiction, aviation writing, literary review fiction, blog posting, among others. His new novel is, “The Confessions of a Catnip Junkie.” He lives in the city, with his wife and two cats who are more beautiful than your children. You can read some of his published work on his website, allangoldstein.com.
10 Responses to “Guest Voice: Global Starving”
Carbon gods and three pound brains
If one allometrically scales the taxon mammals for encephalization quotient the results indicate that man and the porpoise are most equal. This affinity, (i.e. similar brain weight) alone could explain why porpoises and humans interact so well.
Also, whales, followed by elephants, rank highest in brain size surpassing the three-pound brain weight of man and porpoise.
These facts lead one to a complete teleological construct for the animal kingdom, plants included, and the universe: an all inclusive religion.
Simply stated, plants and man, each of carbon and water, seek similar corporal and spiritual nourishment, hallmarked by the “big brains” speaking or singing their love of God (generic).
It is a beautiful theory. All existence, all spirituality, gloriously, harmoniously, and ever so upliftingly encapsulated.
Man and plants together turn to the same spiritual sun and the hauntingly beautiful whale songs are psalms to God, hymns to the infinite.
Oh crap! It appears that female whales can’t or don’t or aren’t allowed to sing.
What a God darn bummer. Well, it was a nice oasis of spirituality while it lasted.
Ethanol from corn is indeed a poor choice given how much energy you get out of it versus the cost to make it. Biodiesle is far far better. But that is another topic. But you are forgetting that there are three other components (at least) in rising food costs.
1) Production of food costs energy, when energy costs increase so do food prices. Water issues are also a big deal here too, and are adding to cost.
2) Transportation of food takes now more expensive energy
3) Weather has not been favorable for grains lately..
All of these probably have much bigger impact than ethanol produciton, although that is not helping no doubt
This suggests another aspect, which is rules that prevented developing countries from favoring one industry over another through government action.
Thanks for the essay, mikkel.
This suggests another aspect, which is rules that prevented developing countries from favoring one industry over another through government action.
Thanks for the essay, mikkel.
[yawn] A playpen leftie joins the Chorus of the Day, taking sides among competing sets of whiners. Biofuels were a greater miracle than stem cell research — until some discovered that some of their pet Victims elsewhere in the world might suffer more. But more importantly: Evil Corporations might benefit from biofuels! That did it. Ignore any success (which the Left opposes most of all, anyway). It's time to reverse course completely on biofuels, at least unti more politically correct alternatives can gain the PC seal of approval.
It's also ironic how such purveyors of fiction (and worse) dare refer to “deniers.”
Well, you're half right. This is a playpen, but the other kids on the swing set known as San Francisco would blow lunch if I called myself a “leftie.” By the standards of this town my politics are slightly to the right of Mussolini.
No, I'm no San Francisco liberal. It's worse than that–I moved here for the Giants.
With that out of way this pigeon will briefly stick his head out of the hole into which he was misplaced, long enough to make another point: It is not corporations that are evil, nor politicians, consumers or scientists.
Hubris is the enemy. We can debate the merits of the computer models that are used to make the global warming case until Hell thaws over–and we probably will. But the real world decisions we are making right now have consequences, right now.
Maybe mother nature is sick and maybe she isn't, I don't know and neither do you. But what we DO about it could well be worse than the disease. Go easy, that's all I'm saying, we don't know as much as we think we do.
And if we must treat “patient earth” for its fever, let's remember the deathless words of the Surgeon General of Ancient Greece as we apply the remedy:
“First, do no harm.”
Alan, I don't know if you remember me but I have been waiting for your book
Confessions of a Catnip Junkie. Being a writer of the Waco Kids plus a few others, I met you at one of those workshops in Noe Valley where you were the only one that said something positive about an excerpt that I read from The Waco Kids. I never returned since from what I heard you were the only writer in the bunch. Do you still write for the West Portal News ? After my first book, I self published with Xlibris since I wanted to see my words between covers. Helen Lewison – helenlew@pacbell.net – http://www.helenlewison.com
All of this and yet I haven't hit it rich or even a few bucks, but I keep writing anyway.
Incidentally, since I did write a lot of stuff – here they are::
Seduction of Silence, Journal of a Reluctant Widow
The Waco Kids, Barefoot Girl with Cheek
I'm a Noodle, You're a Noodle, Will you Marry me.
I Forgot to Get Old
Butterfly Chronicles
My new book – not out yet – If You Can't Walk, Fly