Labeling Conservatives and Liberals: The Frickin’ Final Say-So on Liberalis and Conservativos

If I Were Queen of the World:

Look, what do I know?
What does anyone know, really, that isn’t all just made up by somebody somewhere on the backside of a stall door of a gas station louie up in Idaho? One driver reads the porcelain newspaper there, repeats the latest jargon to another driver and pretty soon it’s all over the CB’s where it’s picked up on a police scanner by Fox and CNN and NBC from there, and pretty soon it’s being taught in academia and then discalced and dogmatized by the Roman Buddhalic Church of Oz and Co.

Liberals and Conservatives. Could we just have a little sanity here around these monikers. Reminds me a little of the usage of the F word…. used to mean a delicious nice thing, but then some bright charlie got the idea of using the F word to cast aspersions, meaning to say, but in much fewer syllables, You never should have been born, why don’t you just go drop dead?

Same with the terms liberal and conservative. Used to have meaning. Now used as buffalo chip pies during suburban combat. The wetter the better. The pies, not the combat.

Is it lack of imagination that leads to a weird uni-language that’s not far past using mere grunts to communicate. Ooga, you conservative. Arg, you liberal. Snapfroguz, Are you insulting me? Blaagh, Sure am. Groangrumpfle: Alright you &#$^&# I’ve had it: Let’s rumble.

Here’s what I think is the final say-so about this wooden language that the words conservative and liberal has devolved to, even the wooden language just spalls and warps… and I’m not even going to comment on the ‘neo-Lego-fetty-betty conservativos’ or the ‘green dog hett-up and hallelujah chorus liberalis.’ Geez.

FINAL SAY SO ACCORDING TO BENEFICIA, VIKTORIA, KATERINA, and QUERIDA…. all ancient grandmothers, one’s just like your ancient grandmothers, who have Uncommon Sense and a leetle teeny tiny white mustache, each. These are the names of my grandmothers from the old country. In summers we used to can really really huge pots of plums and peaches to make jam for the winter, the only sweet we’d see for the months of early dark.

Then, in winter, we’d bring up the cold Mason jar of say, peach jam from the cellar. Scraping sound as the leaden gray lid with white porcelain liner came off. A silver knife tip to dislodge the large coin of white paraffin sealing the top of the jam. And all the while knowing, there were a few more jars left in the cellar, and all the while wanting so, to taste that sweet sugar peach taste in the midst of an icy winter. Everyone would be huddled around the table waiting with a slice of bread and a knife, just waiting their turn

One of the parents would inevitably warn, Now don’t take too much. And some other parent would say, Don’t be greedy. And another parent would say, Put some back, you took too much.

But the old women knew just the right combination about Liberal and Conservative. They’d lean in with their faces smelling like laundry day and their hands always smelling like either garlic and fresh baked bread….. they’d lean in and if it wasn’t one, it was the other who’d say, Listen all of you, here’s to LIFE! Take a CONSERVATIVE amount to make it last, but also at the same time take a LIBERAL amount TO MAKE IT TAAAAAAAAAASTE GOOOOOOOOOD.

That’s my final say so too. Political philosophy 101 through to 1,000,001. Use a conservative amount to make it last, and use a liberal amount to satisfy.

OK, just pretend for a sec, that I AM Queen of the World. I’d decree this should be most everyone’s starting philosophical basis …about most everything…. Think about it… enough to make it last, enough to make it really gooooood. Mmmm-mm.

See, new meanings make new ideas possible.

Ok, that part of the world is fixed now for a few seconds.

Back to serf mode.

Next subject.