Introducing Rick Renfroo, Job Creator, and Runyan, the Libertarian Wonder Boy
[The scene is a washroom at Goldman Sachs. Selig Cartwright, washroom attendant, is finishing his clean up chores after the usual morning rush when his employer. Mr. B., pays a surprise visit...]
Mr. B. Surprised to see you here again. Hope the old digestion isn’t acting up again.
No, Selig. Nothing like that. I just have something to ask you. Something private. Are we alone?
I don’t see anyone doing a stand-up, sir. Or any legs under the door of a stall. So unless someone is standing on a seat in there, we’re alone.
Good. I need you to do something very special for one of our prime clients, Rick Renfroo, and his young associate Runyan. It will require you to outfit another stall — not my own #8, you understand — furnish this other stall in a special way.
I’m no prude, Mr. B. But a gentleman and his young associate in a specially prepared washroom stall in an investment bank seems a bit…
No, Selig. It’s nothing like that. They just need a place to change clothes quickly in private if the need occurs.
I don’t understand, sir.
Let me explain. Have you ever heard of the Scarlet Pimpernel?
Of course, sir. He was a fictional hero, Sir Percy Blakeney, in novels set in the French Revolution during its Reign of Terror period when nobles were losing their heads. Through a brilliant use of disguises he was able to rescue them. To protect his own loved ones from retribution at the hands of French agents in England he also had to pretend to be a silly fop.
You surprise me. Selig. How do you know things like this?
I have a college degree, sir. You need one these days to get a job in a Wall Street washroom.
Good man, Selig. Wall Street banks are happy to help little people like yourself pay off their huge college debt by providing personal services to our derivative traders. But I digress. A new Scarlet Pimpernel has appeared among us today and you can help him do what the old one did.
A contemporary Scarlet Pimpernel, sir?
Yes, Selig. One who protects today’s one-percenters from vicious attacks by jealous losers and socialist progressives, the way Sir Percy Blakeney once protected the one-percenter nobles of France. Do you know who I’m talking about? This modern-day Pimpernel?
Of course, sir. Everyone has heard of this new super hero. The Job Creator!
Yes, Selig. But do you know who he is when not in one of his disguises?
Well I do, and you are about to learn. It is none other than Rick Renfroo.
Good lord, Mr. B. But the tabloids depict Rick Renfroo as a ne’er-do-well, a country club blowhard who rails loudly about taxes and unions in public, embarrassing himself and causing those around him to cringe.
That’s his public face, Selig. But in these trying times, to protect the interests of the deserving best-and-brightest, he has another identity. He becomes…
The Job Creator!
Correct, Selig. And his young associate must therefore be…
Don’t tell me, Mr. B. I know who that is. Runyan, who the tabs regularly label a trustafarian twit, must secretly be the famous Libertarian Wonder Boy.
Selig, that $100,000 in debt you ran up in college for the right to clean a Wall Street washroom is looking more and more like it was worth the investment. Now can you guess what that stall you’ll be refurbishing will be used for?
As a changing room?
Bingo, Selig. When our heroes see the Job Creator signal flashed across the sky, the inspiring Sign of the Dollar, they will rush in here to disguise themselves in Scarlet Pimpernel fashion to protect deserving one-percenters. They will do this by…
Don’t tell me, Mr. B. Let me guess. Job Creator will dress like a working man to protest against union bosses forcing ordinary guys like himself to pay union dues. Or dress like an up-against-it taxpayer to complain how teachers and police and firemen are wallowing in wealth at taxpayer expense. Or dress up like a harried small businessman to expose how regulations are destroying his ability to survive and forcing him to layoff workers.
You have certainly been well educated by the a.m. radio we allow you to listen to down here. A lot better education than you got at that liberal lie factory of a college, I’ll wager. Now guess what Runyan does in his Wonder Boy guise.
No need to guess, sir. All decent Americans know that. He’s comes up with the intellectual libertarian rationales and Ayn Rand zingers to back Job Creator’s folksy wisdom.
Selig, you are further right than even I could have guessed. Enough of this jabber, however, Get busy refurbishing that stall into a changing space. Before you start on that, however, get those damn spots off the mirrors above the washbasins. I like you, but we’ve been getting applications for your position from people with graduate degrees. So get to it.
[Check here for future tales featuring Selig, Rick Renfroo the Job Creator, and Runyan the Libertarian Wonder Boy]