Selig Cartwright, Goldman Sachs Washroom Attendant, Makes A Supreme Court Visit
[Keeping the top executives washroom at Goldman Sachs in world class condition is a challenging and important endeavor. Along with the job's prestige, it allows Selig Cartwright an excuse, on occasion, to meet with others who have similar responsibilities in other high profile lavatories. Here's part of the transcript of such a meeting between Selig and Telemarcus (Telly) Sinclair, who does the honors at the men's washroom of the Supreme court.]
Telly, old buddy. How’s my favorite Mr. Clean?
Scrubbing away, Selig. Scrubbing away. Making life a little better for some of our nation’s best, brightest and most deserving.
I know that feeling well, Telly, working as I do at Goldman Sachs. But tell me, the people you work for here. Nice folks?
A grand group of gentlemen, Selig. A grand group. And the way they treat a simple fellow like myself! You’d never suspect their incredible power, and the great good they’re doing every court session. It makes me wonder sometimes why we need a Congress in this country at all.
A lot of people are wondering the same thing these days, Telly. Or why we need a President when we have a Supreme Court.
Exactly, Selig. The time, the energy, not to mention the money that we waste voting for a Congress and President. And for what? To decide important issues? You know that health care bill they passed awhile back? Congress and the President spent years arguing and debating it.
Messy business legislating.
Messy, indeed. My boys, my Supremos, they heard the health care law debated over just three days. That’s all it takes for them to decide whether it stays or goes. It won’t even require the full nine justices to decide the health care future of 300 million Americans. Five can do the job. Clean. Efficient. Cost effective.
Do you think they’ll ever come a time in this country, Telly, when just one person decides things like this?
I hope not, Selig That would be anti-democratic.
True enough. Tell me, Telly, about that Citizens United decision I’ve heard so much about. What’s the washroom view?
The view in this washroom, my friend, the Supreme Court washroom, is that it was long overdue. Do you have any idea how grievously the very rich in this country suffered because they were unable to have their views heard? Because they were unable to influence policies just because they happened to be so wealthy?
I do, Telly, because that’s been a subject of conversation in the Goldman Sachs washroom for years. Maybe now, though, your own Supremos won’t have so many long three-day sessions protecting the rights of the deserving rich. Now that enough money can be given legally to elect a Congress and President that won’t pass laws the Supreme Court has to dump.
And let’s not forget, Selig, a correctly elected, big money elected Congress and President means there’s no danger that this court will ever be packed and lose its own power.
Or that companies like Goldman Sachs, Telly, will ever be over-regulated. Or maybe even regulated at all.
(The transcript indicates several minutes of laughter and back-slapping following these last two comments. The entire contents of this meeting, however, will be available in the next issue of The Washroom Sanitation Engineers Beacon and Enquirer)
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