Father’s Day 2007, Open Thread
Jun 16th, 2007 | 5 responses
I don’t know if people will see this if it scrolls too fast, I hope they will see and join in.
I would love to hear other people’s stories about their fathers, funny, strange, odd stories, memories.Â
My foster father passed 9 years ago, a difficult person in the extreme and yet there were things about him that were admirable. Even though he’d brutal things in the aggregate, he was still irreplaceable to my heart. One memory about dad … when he was 45, he bought his first car, but didn’t know how to drive. It was a 58 Chevy stick. Dad walked around it, patting it, speaking softly, saying in Hungarian to the car, that everything was going to be alright, that the car should not be afraid, that ‘the rider knew the way’ … Then we all piled into the car, holding on for dear life as dad kept popping the clutch all the way to the end of the road, while yelling at the top of his lungs, Hee-Yah! … It was so exciting that the car hopped around like that, with my normally stern father acting so wild. It wasn’t til I was older that I understood. My father, who grew up in a tiny village in Hungary had not been in the USA very long and the salesman told him there were “horses under the hood.” So Dad just thought he’d have better luck driving, if he first spoke to “the horses” to reassure them, just as all the Magyar men did with the stallions back in the village.
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5 Responses to “Father’s Day 2007, Open Thread”
Well, gee where to start? I am sure you are expecting testimonials to the greatness of Fathers (which the vast majority are, of course), so hopefully most will be, but not mine, unfortunately.
My Dad was a chronically unemployed, mentally and physically abusive, alcoholic, womanizing, incestuous pedophile.
While I am sure somewhere he had his good points, they don’t really leap to mind.
I will not even relate any of our ‘family stories’, as that would be in poor taste. However, he did in the end serve as a fantastic role model for me.
Despite the years of drug and alcohol abuse I put myself through as a result of my childhood, after I got married and had children of my own, I was able to use his example as the template of what I would not be.
I got my addictions under control, developed a good and steady career, always put my family first, raised my children in an environment where sexuality was a healthy topic (and never molested my children), never cheated on my wife of 22 years, and have tried to provide the positive role model I lacked.
I can say with pride that I know have accomplished these goals. I have the unconditional love and complete respect of my children, and raised 2 kids that are now starting their adult lives without the baggage I did.
I know that my children WILL be able to provide testimonials to their childhood and their Father (and Mother, too), and the fond memories they have (not that it was perfect, and they can tell you about some of my foibles, mind you!).
But to me, that is the greatest accomplishment of my life – breaking the cycle.
And to all the other Fathers out there who are doing right by their kids and family, raising them with good values, happy memories, and respect for themselves and society, I say thank you.
AR:
I salute you. May you have an especially happy Father’s Day.
I was just saying the other day that I learned much from my father because of what he didn’t say. As is typical of many members of the so-called Greatest Generation, he was deeply modest, endeavored to take the many setbacks that life handed him in stride, did not waste words . . . or abide fools gladly.
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Perhaps it’s my own mythology, but my dad was a hero to me, and remains so to this day.
A man’s man, absolutely fearless, a fatherless slum kid who though standing all of 5-foot-7, quarterbacked his tiny Catholic high school football team to the state championships twice.
He went on to enlist in the Air Force, later leaving because he said they were “boy scouts.” But the military was his calling, so he enlisted again – Army infantry – worked his way to being a drill instructor and convinced his Senator to recommend him to the Army for the Officer Corps even though he had no college. In his 30s, he lead his OCS class of 20-somethings.
A tour in Korea and two in Vietnam never made him a distant, mean or harsh man at home, despite having to figure out what it was that fathers do, given his lack of one.
But those years as an infantryman must have weighed heavily, and post military retirement his marriage fell apart as the alcohol began to take its toll, as it has with so many like him. How does a man like him become ordinary? It killed him in the end – the one thing that no matter how desparately he tried to beat, he couldn’t. Another casualty of war, though his name is on no walls or memorials.
A saying in my ethnic family, “Scorn the truth, and the devil goes double.†Telling truth, in our culture of plasticized personas…well, thank you all for being ‘regular real’…
Mike P: Your dad, his story, the kind of father he was… when others read your words, though shy to say their experiences that are nearly identical, they might now feel less alone because you were forthright. It takes cojones to say some things without pulling away. People come to terms. To a child’s heart, no matter how adult, witnessing the decline of a loved parent like your Dad, is like watching them catch fire and not being able to help put it out. Mike P, the compassion with which you speak of your father, tells that he was excellent in the times he was well. That the best of him is in your bones… in your words about him here. No nice ‘boy scout’ you, either. Chip off the old block, you. In good ways that count.
AR: I made an audio called “Warming The Stone Child,†stories and commentary about the ‘orphan’ archetype… how many experience its effects psychologically, despite having living, but somehow not dead, but deadly, parents. How such children, as adults, often struggle and make it to the surface from all they’ve been buried under. They make their way in the world, and be loving parents too. Though scarred, they also carry peculiar strengths, often heightened intuition and prescience that come from having been through hell. How do I know? Been there. Yet, AR, I think having been hammered so hard, we also might sometimes be a finer steel. And you’re right, you as imperfect and loving parent, are the diamond that came out of the darkness. I appreciated your telling your story unglossed for those others who will read it, thinking they were ‘the only one,’ or who cannot yet speak of these things.
And Shaun Mullen: How heart-filling, and lucky you were to have your dad, even though it was too short, for surely he would have adored being with you now in your maturity; closer as brothers is what sometimes happens when fathers live long and their sons do too. Yet, what stories your dad poured into you. When I see a loving mother or father, when I hear their words or see the looks on their faces towards their children and grandchildren, I probably become overly happy… I know it is supposed to be ‘usual,’ that a child and parent care for one another, but it still seems equivalent to seeing the grandness of the Grand Canyon… like you and your Dad. I thought your elegy was beautiful SM. My father’s name also was Joe, Jozsef. It put stars in my eyes reading the ending you wrote. My dad, like Mike P.s dad, was a good soul with a demon that squalled through him almost all his life long.
Even so. I am touched from all the stories here, and I hope you are too. Some people are very done with having parents. But I keep thinking a teeny bit, maybe its not too late… maybe I could still place a want-ad for a sweet mother and father to dote on and ask advice from. Craig’sList, I wonder… hmmm… “Semi-unusual, not unsmart… ahem, “older†daughter, seeking parents for the last third of life…ages unimportant.†Can you imagine? My, my. I hope you’re smiling. I am too.
dr.e.