This Just In!

THIS JUST IN from investigative reporter Andy Borowitz:

TB Guy Tops Bush in New Poll
Latest Sign of Trouble for White House

In the latest erosion of President George W. Bush’s job approval rating, a new poll released today reveals that Mr. Bush is now less popular among the American people than the so-called “TB Guy,” Atlanta attorney Andrew Speaker.

While the president’s approval numbers have been in a virtual free-fall in recent months, few political insiders expected him to be trounced by Mr. Speaker, who has been accused of exposing airline passengers to tuberculosis.

Additionally, the poll results are historic in another way, since they mark the first time that a sitting president has been deemed less popular than a quarantined disease carrier.

But at the White House today, official spokesman Tony Snow tried to put a positive spin on the numbers, saying that Mr. Speaker’s poll numbers received an artificial “bounce” as a result of all of the press coverage he has received in recent days.

“If President Bush had been quarantined for spreading tuberculosis around the world, his numbers would be right up there with the TB Guy’s,” Mr. Snow claimed.

Perhaps in an attempt to change the subject, President Bush participated in a ceremony today in which he declared victory over peace activist Cindy Sheehan.

Posing in front of a banner reading “MISSION ACCOMPLISHED” on the aircraft carrier USS Abraham Lincoln, Mr. Bush said that Ms. Sheehan’s departure from the peace movement means “I won’t have to spend this August in Crawford hiding in the barn.”

Elsewhere, getting married can have significant psychological benefits for those suffering from depression, according to a study published today in the Journal of Larry King.

There’s more so read the whole thing.

You can get and read Andy Borowitz’s other investigative reports here.