This Just In!!

THIS JUST IN from investigative reporter Andy Borowitz:

I Won’t Back Gingrich, Says Satan
Former House Speaker Loses Longtime Supporter

In what many political observers consider a bruising blow to a potential 2008 White House bid by Newt Gingrich, the former Speaker of the House lost one of his longtime supporters today when Satan announced that he would not support a Gingrich candidacy.

For the normally reclusive Prince of Darkness, the decision to hold a press conference at the Washington Airport Marriott to reveal that he would not be supporting Mr. Gingrich struck many as extraordinary.

Dressed in his traditional red cape and carrying a smoldering pitchfork, Satan stated in no uncertain terms that he would be withholding his endorsement from his former colleague: “Not only am I not supporting Newt, I am giving his soul back.�

Satan’s announcement was particularly hurtful to the potential G.O.P. presidential candidate because, in the words of Gingrich supporter Tracy Klujian, “Newt and Satan have worked so closely in the past.�

According to a close associate of the Prince of Darkness, Satan’s rift with Gingrich stemmed from the former House Speaker’s decision to confess that he had had an extramarital affair with a staffer while pursuing the impeachment of then-President Bill Clinton for having an extramarital affair with a staffer.

“The fact that Newt confessed it to Jerry Falwell really ticked Satan off,� the Satan aide said.

Gingrich supporter Klujian remains hopeful, however, that the breach between the two infernal colleagues can somehow be mended: “You can win the G.O.P. nomination without Satan’s help, but it’s not easy.�

There’s more so read the whole thing.

You can get and Andy Borowitz’s other investigative reports here.